And then what?

I find myself pulling away from people. These are people I consider close friends & even family; so, I am left struggling with my reasons for pulling away.

I never understood how people could be so blessed & yet struggle so much; I could never wrap my mind around the concept of blessed and struggles working parallel to each other & intertwining paths.

I’ve grown to realize a lot of these struggles are internal ones. We struggle with ourselves, who we are,  who we want to be, who OTHERS what us to be. We allow these thoughts, whispers to take over.

Those internal struggles eventually spill over into that blessed life you live.

And then what?

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Excuses

Usually there are so many things I want to say, but I am unable to say them. Not because I fear the consequences of my thoughts, but because my mind cant seem to take my jumbled feelings and allow them to exit  in some type of orderly fashion.

Instead of saying how I feel, I have allowed rage and my untamed temper do the talking.  I have let my inability to convert my thoughts into words, constructive, positive words, control me. I have let my anger consume me!

What I allow to escape my mind is never truly all of me; its never honestly all I feel. But for some reason the poison inside me takes over causing destruction all around. You cant run from it…I’ve tried.

This evil is apart of me.

I’m sure there are reasons I am unable to express myself in better ways. Or maybe they are just excuses….

 

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” – Sigmund Freud